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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

No More Train

Today is a rough day. I woke up again this morning with anxiety and a racing heartbeat, just as I have for the last week or so. I went downstairs and made Abbie and I a high-protein breakfast. I took my supplements right away because I was so anxious. I finally asked my husband to wake up and take Abbie to preschool because I just wasn't being able to focus on anything. I laid in bed for awhile (well, about an hour or more actually) and finally got up and took a shower.
Yes, it sounds awful. But here is the truth. I'm much further along on this bridge than I was a week ago. A week ago, I didn't see any hope at the end of this battle. Instead of a light at the end of the tunnel, there was a train barelling down the tracks straight towards me. Today, I see all of this as something I can beat. Something I can fix and something I can overcome.

I think part of my anxiety is coming from my "new role". You see, up until just recently, I had many roles. I went to school on Wednesdays and was taking my last 12 hours of coursework. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I was responsible for taking and picking up our daughter and/or working. I might have been substituing at the preschool where I worked FT for awhile. I might have been babysitting for a friend. Or I might have been working on Mary Kay business at home. On Fridays, I cleaned houses for extra cash. On Saturday and Monday, if we weren't busy, I tried to fit in schoolwork. And on Sundays, we spend a good part of our day at Church.
I have since cut out cleaning houses, teaching, and on-campus school work. Yes, that still leaves me with an at-home business, 2 online classes, a house to clean, and a child to take care of. But nonetheless, I feel idle.
So I'm trying to wrap my head around this idea of REALLY being a stay-at-home-mom. You see, before it was okay if I didn't clean the bedroom. After all, I had 600 other things to do. But now I realize that I can actually take the time to dust our dresser. But it's still weird to realize that I can take part of my day to do that.
It's all a process. And I absolutely believe that the supplements and choices I'm making have made a huge difference. A week ago, I literally felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. Absolutely everything felt overwhelming. And that was the scariest part of all. But by the grace of God (and natural supplements), I do not feel like that anymore.
I wanted to write this down because I feel like it's important. But I'm gonna go now because my hair needs drying. And after this rough morning, I am going to make myself get in the car and take a drive. It's a choice. A choice I'm making today to get over whatever this is that's going on with my body. And to beat it.
God Bless!

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