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Monday, November 1, 2010

How this Started: Part Two

So my girlfriend came. And she was terrified for me. We both knew I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. I could not see myself doing anything in life: not going to get groceries by myself or loving my daughter the way she needed to be loved... or anything. And realizing that only made it worse.
My girlfriend wanted to take me to the hospital. She couldn't fathom that I wasn't going to have a breakdown without going. And I kind of agreed.
But we didn't know if there were mental health specialists on staff at the hospital. So I called a counselor and he happened to have a cancellation. I had already called my husband, told him I'd probably be going to the ER, and he'd come home. So all three of us trekked to the counselor's office. I was miserable, but glad to have my husband and good friend by my side.
He listened to what we had to say and to what I'd been feeling. He asked questions. And then he told us his opinion. Either go home and ride it out and be miserable or admit yourself to a mental hospital and let them medicate you until you're balanced.
I cried. Both of those options seemed utterly hopeless.
He also recommended I see the psychiatrist who'd first put me on an anti-depressant after I lost my 19 year old brother 2.5 years ago. And so I did.
That appointment was even more awful. He tried to pawn us off on somebody else before rushing us into his office and not listening. He shoved more medication down my throat and rushed us out of his office. He also told me that I wouldn't be eligible to get checked into a psychiatric portion of a hospital.
All right, we realized. So even if we really WANTED to take a prescription drug route (which we didn't), doing it in a controlled environment wasn't an option. Instead, we went home and took a nap. And when we woke up, my awesome husband went to the local whole foods store and got a supplement that had come recommended to me by a holistic life coach. I started taking it that night and ignored everything the counselor and the psychiatrist had told me.

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