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Monday, November 1, 2010

How this really all started...

So I've told you already that this whole journey (and it really already has been a journey) started a few weeks ago. That is when I was just starting a new semester of school, juggling babysitting, 2 self-run businesses, a part-time job substitute teaching, and of course taking care of my 3 year old. And although I've been prone to stress-induced panic attacks over the last couple of years, I felt I was ready to tackle my last semester at school and go on to student teach next spring and take a job in the fall. That was the plan.
Well, apparently God had a different plan. Because it didn't take long before I was having panic attacks every time I drove to and from school. And I was taking medicine to make them go away. And practically deep-breathing through my classes until I could get out, get to my car, and get home where I felt safe. I ended up pulling out of one class, and then the other. No more student teaching in January. No graduating in May. No job next August.
So I resolved to stay home for awhile. I couldn't wrap my head around it, and neither could my husband. But I didn't know what else to do. I phsyically could not continue my education. My body was shutting down.
And as I stayed home, it got worse. And my anxiety grew. And my fears grew. And my panic attacks got more frequent. I felt like my hole of a life was getting more and more narrow. The walls were closing in.
And on Thursday of last week, the whole world seemed to crash down. I woke up practically terrified. Of nothing in particular, just so anxious I couldn't even sleep anymore. It was Abbie's trick or treating day at school and I cried for an hour because I couldn't bring myself to take her. I kept her home and tried to get through the day, as miserable as I was. But panic and fear set in, and I had such an awful anxiety attack that I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance.
Thank God for good girlfriends, because mine came over to be with me. She hugged me, sat with me, and talked to me.
And the rest of that day would teach me a lot. But we'll save that for Part Two.

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